tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8439535556596599947.post3449960643914604521..comments2009-08-16T13:27:49.824-07:00Comments on quez: FFC August: Lightquezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03270700636134226124noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8439535556596599947.post-54069803493436764162009-08-16T13:27:49.824-07:002009-08-16T13:27:49.824-07:00Gabriel's comment via email: I like the story ...Gabriel's comment via email: I like the story and how you integrated the light theme into it. I have to agree with Bailey that the beginning exposition doesn't add to the story. Perhaps you could trim it while building more into the disorientation, darkness and possibly throwing in some claustrophobia? It's a great foundation to build on if you want to up the word count.<br /><br />Gabriel - Thanks for taking the time to send me an email. I'll poke around and see if I can figure out how to enable comments independent of a particular profile. Claustrophobia is a good add and could have been part of her undefined panic.quezhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03270700636134226124noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8439535556596599947.post-30151071155190999642009-08-16T13:20:22.524-07:002009-08-16T13:20:22.524-07:00Kappa no He - my daughter and I were nearly in tea...Kappa no He - my daughter and I were nearly in tears laughing at her ending and then she says, "No, mom, really, it needs the daily recommended amount of gruesome!"<br /><br />Bailey - I guess I felt it necessary to set the stage for WHY she chose to be alone and disconnected, having given no thought to the risk of being so. And I appreciate the brutal honesty, so no worries. :-) Had she been knocked out only for a few minutes, with no serious injuries, I think it's possible that the momentary fogginess gave way to a flood of clarity... but then I said "slowly emerging" so that doesn't exactly indicate a flood of clarity, now does it? Good point. :-)quezhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03270700636134226124noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8439535556596599947.post-67491354627505891852009-08-14T16:12:58.580-07:002009-08-14T16:12:58.580-07:00I like the idea of this story and how you describe...I like the idea of this story and how you describe the details of her disorientation following the cabin collapse. I think, however (being brutally honest here) - that it might have been stronger without a lot of the background info.<br /><br />I'm not sure it's important, for example, that she works for the city or that she is sick of dealing with people, etc -- there are about two paragraphs of background that don't move the story -- you open on a suspenseful note with her in the darkness, and then go off on this expository tangent. Then we eventually get back to why she is in the dark.<br /><br />Also, all of the expository stuff is in much more vivid detail than the foggy, disoriented state you are trying to convey in the rest of it. They sort of play against each other. Maybe if she remembered it in fragments...the image of the book, a faint recollection of leaving a message with her friends about going away for the weekend - pieces that she is trying to put together in the darkness and disarray that she finds herself in.<br /><br />I like how the light theme comes out in the story and how you have both the natural moonlight and the artificial lights of the rescuers - both coming as some relief to her. <br /><br />Good job!Baileyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17115607826522443897noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8439535556596599947.post-71968685371389305372009-08-14T15:04:25.779-07:002009-08-14T15:04:25.779-07:00Wow. How timely! We just had a huge earthquake tha...Wow. How timely! We just had a huge earthquake that happened in the middle of the night and believe me I had thoughts like these, what if the entire house collapsed and my flashlight didn't work...??<br /><br />And I must say, I'm twisted as well. I didn't mind the kids' ending. I even sorta liked the idea of her leg getting caught on fallen trees, almost Stephen King-ish. <br /><br />The only thing that caught my eye was using "back" two times in succession in the fourth paragraph: "...reading back through previous entries. She was transported back to simpler days..." <br /><br />Good piece!<br /><br />terrieKappa no Hehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00909580462578058631noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8439535556596599947.post-32295231321262656042009-08-13T14:36:44.545-07:002009-08-13T14:36:44.545-07:00Thanks Terry. It was about the 4th idea but the 1s...Thanks Terry. It was about the 4th idea but the 1st that didn't fall apart in the development. I'm not entirely satisfied with the ending, but it seemed a natural place to go.quezhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03270700636134226124noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8439535556596599947.post-67756798294674402962009-08-12T23:04:02.935-07:002009-08-12T23:04:02.935-07:00Excellent. I 'almost' went in a similar d...Excellent. I 'almost' went in a similar direction with my story, focusing on a group in a bomb shelter. I'm glad I didn't because I like what you did better than what I was going to do...:)Terryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00251378244452084924noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8439535556596599947.post-7147643968018219382009-08-11T12:05:55.849-07:002009-08-11T12:05:55.849-07:00Okay, so letting my kids read this before I posted...Okay, so letting my kids read this before I posted might have been a bad idea. They wanted me to add to the story that Kate's leg got badly injured in the collapse of the cabin and she had to run from a hungry bear while dragging her mangled leg behind her as it got caught on fallen trees. They're twisted people, my children.quezhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03270700636134226124noreply@blogger.com